After taking the alpha/beta personality questionnaire by psychotherapist Dr. Sonya Rhodes, author of The Alpha Woman Meets Her Match, I learned that I have high alpha/mid beta qualities.

This means I am “dominant in most relationships but have the capacity to collaborate and compromise.” However, I must be mindful “to not impose my strong will and overpower people.” The book also says I will match up well with a partner who has a strong mid-to high beta profile who will allow my alpha to lead. This man will be more laid-back than me and will help take the edge off when necessary.

Thomas is just that (after doing the questionnaire) … mid alpha/high beta. His profile says he is a good mixture of alpha and beta. “You probably get along well with everyone and are well liked. You are confident without being overbearing. As a cooperative person, you may prefer letting your partner take the lead – but you are not a pushover.”


Here, in the 21st century, alpha females are substantial in the population and more males identify as beta. This is not a bad thing. The balance, when maintained, is quite lovely.

Early in my relationship with Thomas, I did exactly what I wasn’t supposed to do. With my strong will, I wore the pants in our family … because it was what I did in my first marriage. Until 2012, when I was introduced to divine femininity, I didn’t know any better. Being born out of the feminist movement, most women my age charge through life in this manner.

In my mind, my smarts and natural leadership qualities made it seem obvious for me to drive the ship. What I wasn’t privy to was how this way of being was emasculating the men in my primary relationships. Oops.

Thankfully, there are excellent resources to guide us in maintaining our strength while being feminine at the same time. This is what men want – a queen who will sit next to him, as king, at the throne. Alison A. Armstrong, author of The Queen’s Code, is one such advocate for men.

Another teacher on the topic is author Suzanne Venker, with her most recent book, The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage. Her tools for marriage are based in common sense and easy to follow.

As a wife and mother of two boys, my gratitude overflows for these women who use their voice of wisdom in the world. Our country is experiencing turbulence in the relationship between men and women. As I shared, I didn’t know what I didn’t know and suspect it’s the case for many women with alpha tendencies.

Since learning new tools and practicing feminine ways of being with my husband, it has been incredible to witness his expansion as a male human. When I got out of his way, he became more … of a suitable man, for lack of better terminology. Thomas was always proper, but an underlying current of frustration also existed. He couldn’t explain the tension and I called it anger.

When I took responsibility for my part in the cause of that tension, he had room to show up. Now, when I feel that friction in our couple, I use my smart, alpha female brain to notice where I’m exuding too much masculine and back off.

Awareness is a beautiful thing.