2019, February

How Self Improvement Efforts Kill Relationships

Our planet is shifting to a space of higher awareness. More and more individuals are taking the time and effort to look within themselves in an effort to be more, love more, and expand more.

Yoga studios are springing up quicker than the rate of fast food joints. Meditation training outshines cooking classes. Mindful, healthy eating supersedes how to prepare meals in under 30-minutes. This is awesome… but there is a pitfall.

This movement toward the inner self is disrupting relationships.

As humanity goes internal to become more aware, the attention is removed from others who are on the outside. In this process, people abstain from intimate committed relationships. More than ever, people are choosing the path of personal growth and at the same time, choosing to stay single.

Some common declarations we hear are:

“I value my independence.”

“I’m waiting for my soulmate.”

“I’m happier being single.”

“I refuse to settle.”

“My self love sustains me.”

Could it be that acute self-awareness leads to being unconscious with others?

As individuals experience their conscious awakening, there is an unintentional neglect of another and the relationship between them. Conscious partnership is a commitment to the needs of the relationship rather than the needs of self.

Now before getting your feathers ruffled, it is not being suggested that you neglect yourself (ever). Simply notice where the attention is when engaging with the other person.

This ineffective, traditional idea of “couple” is based on two independent, autonomous persons sharing responsibilities equally. Should conflict arise, each one uses his/her cognitive skills to resolve their dissimilarities. They mentally and emotionally disconnect from one another to deal with their issues with the assumption that when they come back together, they can then meet each other’s needs (current and past) to create a fulfilling relationship.

With this outdated model, the focus is on the individual and a goal of meeting only personal needs. The relationship solely exists to satisfy those requirements. Unmet needs become the complaint that leads to dissatisfaction.

The illusion is that you are in a relationship that does not satisfy your needs, therefore you are with the wrong person, and every empowered person knows it is their divine right to experience peace. If that doesn’t happen, change partners and try again to get those same needs met with a different person.

Your relationship is about you and your requirements and if it does not provide you with empowerment, its dissolution is justifiable no matter the consequences for others.

This focus on self is feeding an already-damaged society filled with conflict. These huge social issues cannot be changed until the perspective changes on what it is to be in an intimate relationship. It is time for humanity to be educated and understand relationships, and for couples to be empowered to flourish.

Avoiding being in a relationship creates disruption in the evolution of humanity because couples are the foundation of our species, giving rise to larger structures of family, community and society. What happens in the home determines what happens in society. Flourishing couples are essential to a healthy society.

Your couple is not about you; your couple is about itself. Only by honoring that responsibility will you get your needs met. When you make your relationship primary and your needs secondary, there is a paradoxical effect of getting your needs met in ways they can never be met if you make them primary. Fears are released and empowerment flows freely, then extend to the evolution of society. By transforming couple-hood, we transform every social structure. And that is what Mother Earth desires.